A Food Fast

'Hey.. could I get a number 6, biggie sized with a Coke?'

'Want the number 6 combo?'

'Yep'

'Want to biggie size your order?'

'Sure'

'What's your drink?'

Are you freakin' kidding me? There's only a small handful of people in this world that I'll ever repeat myself for and guess what.. you're not even in the top five billion.



In related news..

Hardee's has decided to continue their course in trying to kill all the gluttons out there by unleashing their new 930 caloric philly cheesesteak thickburger.

That's a nice looking cow.

penny: we're pilgrims in an unholy land, junior

hello hello, its been a couple of crazy weeks down in florida, covering all the bases from fishing to the emergency room. but i have decided to regale you all with my journey to the armpit of the south...thats right, athens, georgia! my cousins marriage invitation arrived months ago and ive been crazy excited about this trip ever since! not only home to an ugly mascot, sanford stadium, and jay's wounded pride, athens is also famous for its fine dining!

(insert kappa sig soggy biscuit joke here)

my cousin has traveled the world twice and acquired her masters and doctorate along the way to becoming the director of student affairs at uga. she married larry the cable guy. at the rehearsal dinner my sister and i were introduced, as brother and sister, and immediately asked if we were the couple 'whose baby fell ill.' he then described the perfect woman as someone who would buy him a john deere. hes cool. and tough.

and most of all i still have tickets to the georgia game every year.

in other news if you're thinking of buying a home vero beach, florida my house is almost completely remodeled! mention this shameless plug for a special S.O.D. discount!

PENNY"S BAR TIP OF THE WEEK

don't ask 'did you see that movie with tom cruise?'

which one? the one with the car or with the plane? 'thats right, i am dangerous ice (bite) man.'

Flaming Garbage Truck Crashes into House: Trash Ruined

I'd like to thank SoD reader RSW for giving me this scoop about a garbage truck that caught on fire and ran into his neighbor's house. Apparently my Columbia correspondent has been spending too much time at the bar to report this story. Anywho..

A Columbia resident (who I will refer to as Tom) of Laurel Hill Lane was surprised yesterday morning to find a garbage truck slam through his living room in a fiery blaze. As Tom walked through the ashes of his life, you could tell the tragic scene was taking its toll on him.

"Look at all this good trash.. it's all ruined" Tom cried, as he stepped over charred pictures of his children growing up.

"I mean, you have all this good trash that was all set to be buried somewhere... probably somewhere in Lexington.. and now it's all destroyed in one of God's jokes. Look at all these recyclables that were carelessly thrown away. The plastics have melted onto the aluminum cans.. how the hell do they expect me to separate these?!" said an unstable Tom. Nearby, children gathered to watch as burning soiled diapers and empty orange juice cartons ignited Tom's wedding videos.

I can only assume an interview with the garbage truck driver went like this..

Reporter: 'Tell us what went through your mind when you noticed your truck was on fire.'

Driver: 'Well, at first I was like.. oh shit, my trucks on fire! So I jumped out and hid in those bushes' said the driver, while pointing to a group of poorly trimmed azaleas. 'Yup, those bushes saved my life.'

Driver: 'When the truck didn't explode, I snuck back to it to try and save a tape of a Queen concert from 1977. You know.. the one where they rocked it out in Detroit. But that's when the truck started its fiery descent towards Tom's house. I can only assume that my Queen tape is melting somewhere in that smoldering pile of pizza boxes and [Tom's] original artwork.'

Reporter: 'Such a tragic story.. on a tragic day.'

Here's the actual news video:

Lt. Governor Andre Baeur's office had no comment on this issue, as my calls regarding fiery crashes were referred to as 'an ill-timed and sick joke.'

The Countdown

On Thursday, I'll be taking a test.

A test for which I've studied two years worth of material in two weeks.



Since I have about a quarter of a million seconds left at this point.. I guess I can check my email a few more times..

The Evolution of Dance

This video is titled 'The Evolution of Dance' and I highly recommend it. This guy deserves your attention for 6 minutes. He's basically doing an intense Dance Marathon line dance. Check it out..

Typical Problem-Reaction-Solution

So the issue of the NSA creating a database which tracks every phone call made in the United States is starting to make headlines. I first read about this issue a few weeks ago on some of my geek websites, but now the story is getting more press since the telecom giants (AT&T, Bellsouth, Verizon, but not Qwest) are under fire. Don't get this confused with the NSA wiretapping fiasco, that's a completely different privacy violation. Also, don't get that mistaken with the Department of Justice ordering Google to surrender their users' search logs.

This program tracks every call made in the US. From the database created, you can then extrapolate information from the matrices formed. Of course this program was created to increase intelligence in order to keep us safe from terrorist attacks. The only way to let the terrorists win is if we change our lives because of them. ..clearly that's not happening..

I thought terrorists worked in cells, where each cell was completely independent of the other. But who knows.. maybe tracking the frequency in which you talk to Miss Cleo might help our intelligence agencies?

Are any of yall creative enough to imagine how this information could be misused? Don't bother.. here are a few of my examples:

Insider Information: So there's a rumor that Microsoft and Playboy might merge to make software that has even more holes. It's just a rumor though.. but upon checking our new Big Brother program, our trusty government officials see heavy phone traffic between Bill G. of Redmond, Washington and Hugh H. at the Playboy mansion. Sounds like a good time to call your broker.

Maintaining Political Power: So you're in office, but notice someone gaining enough popularity to challenge your seat. Don't sweat it, just run the Watergate play out of Nixon's playbook and everything will be fine. The similarities here could fuel another post.

Crippling Social Networks: By monitoring the communications of terrorist cells, you can eventually follow the matrix to their leader. Unfortunately that also applies to other social networks. Think the civil rights movement would have had much success if this program had existed? How about the civil war?

Don't get me wrong folks, when I'm king.. I'll definitely have these types of programs in effect. It's much easier to stay in power when you can pinpoint and eliminate your opposition. Check out Problem-Reaction-Solution for some perspective.

The Summer of Dev Protects Children

Who will protect the children? We must protect the children! Politicians, please protect the children. It's an election year. I think. Election years are fun, because they bring out the best marketing tools. Our over-paid, under-worked, and over-esteemed politicians love buzzwords during election years. A particular topic that the clowns will discuss ad nauseam will be about protecting children.. and since we live in a digital age, it will be about protecting children on the internet.

Some congressmanator named Fitzpatrick has created a bill called the Deleting Online Predators Act, or DOPA. You can read about it here. Basically, he feels that libraries that get federal funds should keep social networking sites out of the reach of minors. By social networking, the protectors of morality and children define it as any commercial website that allows users to create their own webpages and also offer discussion boards, chatrooms, or email. Obviously, this bill is targeting sites like facebook, friendster, and myspace. The bill would also include sites like livejournal, yahoo messenger, and the Summer of Dev (along with all other blogger.com websites) though.

I guess this will keep children safe from online predators. I heard on 20/20 that there are alot of predators on the internet. Sarcasm aside, know that I'm all for keeping children safe. But legislation like this only serves as a politician's resume-fodder during an election year.

If you really want to help protect a child, you educate them. You don't try to safeguard them against every danger in the world. Want to argue that? Think back to high school when you knew that nerdy kid that had really overbearing parents. Now think about what happened to them once they got to college.

Exactly.

I personally feel that computer science courses should be apart of everyone's middle school curriculum. Part of that course should teach the various dangers of the internet, ranging from identity theft to pedophiles. That isn't as catchy as saying you created the 'Deleting Online Predators Act' though.

So anyway, I look forward to hearing all the other buzzword reelection slogans that we're going to be bombarded with for the rest of the year. My favorite is when the really moral grey hairs start making a fuss about teaching evolution in the classroom.

That's good enough.. for me

I've watched this over a dozen times during the past two weeks. It's a parody of V is for Vendetta called C is for Cookie and it features the Sesame Street characters. Personally, I have it filed under 'mindless and funny'.. kinda like this little guy.

An Early Summer Night's Walk

So in an attempt to escape the noxious fumes of highlighters and razor-sharp index cards, I took Chap for a midnight walk to find some clarity the other night. As we turned onto a street in our 'hood, I spotted Rick. Even with all his natural, predatory instinct, the killer attack wolf dog didn't notice him. I saw him though.. and he looked right back at me. I didn't want to relive this old memory, so we stayed on the other side of the street.

Chap and I walked for a few more blocks until I realized how late it was, so we headed back home. When we passed the yard where Rick previously sat, it was empty.. so I let Chap mark his territory. That's when I heard this weird sound. It was a deep, rhythmic sound of a guttoral nature.. a sound that immediately reminded me of when big boy ate too much mashed potatoes before running the mile in P.E. class. I looked down right in time to see Chap throw up on the sidewalk. On closer inspection, I didn't see any carpet in his emesis, which pleased me on multiple levels. But it was odd. The KAWD has a tough stomach. Yet he just happens to coincidentally throw up at the same location where we previously saw the white whale on the same night. I didn't like the situation one bit, so we went home, locked the door, split a pepto, and tried to get some sleep.

penny: right on. things are gonna happen for me! i'm joe dirt!

this weekend marked sunfest here in south florida, not only an excuse to listen to some live music, but also an excuse to get absolutely, completely, and stupidly drunk. while this years play list may have read like your little sisters cd collection, some bands were much better than others.
along the way i made a few new friends, was attacked by a walking georgia o'keefe painting, and even previewed spurriers neo-cocky.











and then of course there was skynard. go see this band dude. it was everything you would expect, including a 143 minute version of freebird. and now the moment youve all been waiting for...

PENNYS BAR TIP OF THE WEEK

when you step up to the bar and order for a party, PLEASE do it all at once. ordering one drink at a time not only slows me down, it pisses me off. if im laying on the operating table after a car crash, i want the doctor to know EVERYTHING thats wrong with me up front....thanks doc, but could you please set that broken arm after you stop the brain hemorrhage?
you ordering at once saves time and makes my life easier. brilliant!

Drivin' with 100.5

The Drive at 100.5 FM in Charleston is one of my favorite radio stations of all time. This station was formerly known as Alice FM, but it's still 'all about the music.'

They aptly describe themselves as 'your friend with a really cool mp3 collection.' Spinning music ranging from the 80s to contemporary, they target people in their midtwenties. For you office spacers, check the previous link to listen to them online.

Here are the last ten songs they played when I wrote this post:

If You Could Only See
Tonic

Ants Marching
Dave Matthews Band

Short Skirt Long Jacket
Cake

Sunrise
Norah Jones

Caravan
Van Morrison

Clocks
Coldplay

Our House
Madness

Wake Me Up When September Ends
Green Day

Harden My Heart
Quarterflash

She Talks to Angels
Black Crowes

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

I went to happy hour last Friday at one of my usual spots and it was so busy I had to park a few blocks away. The weather was gorgeous so I figured the crowd was there to catch the sun set over the ocean. Once I got inside, I noticed the place was full of young children and their parents. No biggie.. the more the merrier I guess. I asked one of the bartenders what was going on, and he said that Bob Rice was singing.

Friends from the radio station said we could hangout in the backstage (on stage) area with them. It turns out the audience was there for American Idol's Bo Bice.

I guess they aren't content with just ruining television 3 nights a week, but those no-talent ass clowns feel the need to trespass on my happy hour too. Since we had our own waitress, we stuck around for awhile. I figured I could atleast tell ol' Bob that I can't wait for his next Christmas album duet with Clay Aiken.

I didn't get the chance because chachi didn't feel like getting out of his tour bus until 90 minutes after he was supposed to perform, and by then I was already at the next bar. It really made me mad that he kept those kids waiting for so long. But I guess this primadonna rock star figures that since he got 15 seconds of fame on a show that's captivates millions each week he can do whatever he wants.

-Warning- Run-on sentence fueled with sleep-deprived angst to follow:

I hope nobody breaks it to him that the only reason the show has an audience is because 9:00 on a weeknight is the perfect time to capture that suburban couch potato audience that needs to revisit their former dream world of rock stardom in order to escape their present 9 to 5 hell in which it takes all the fortitude they have to keep from throwing up all over themselves due to the banality of their mundane lives.

While I'm on the subject, vote for the chickie with the curves tonight.. I'd rather watch her than that Kelly Clarkson poptart.


Anywho, took my tenth (and last exam) today.. so now it's time to party like a Duke lacrosse player.

Dev, out.

penny: this is not 'nam smokey, there are rules

hello to all, i trust you all enjoyed your weekends in the typical fashion.
while we're on the subject, lets have a little pep talk. i'm sure that in your mind as you spend a night on the town you represent yourself as the pinnacle of class. well, for the most part, you're an idiot.
as the 'patron saint of the service industry', i feel it has become my duty to inform all of you as to the do's and dont's at your favorite watering hole. ive been at this bartending thing for a while and have noticed, even at my new job, people are always making the same stupid mistakes. now before you rush to buy a new 'hehateme' jersey, this little expose will only help you stand out from all the huddled jackasses standing beside you at my bar. i stress MY bar. remember that the bartender can be your best friend or your worst enemy. would you rather have free drinks or terrible service?
before you remind me i work for tips, believe me when i say that i can afford to neglect customers. every bartender does. we ignore stupid customers because, surprise surprise, they're usually the worst tippers. and so i proudly present....

PENNY'S BAR TIP OF THE WEEK



dont be this guy...the draft beer inquisitor. granted, some customers have better eye sight than others. but come on people, don't stand directly next to the draft beer handles and ask me what i have on tap. 3 million sperm and YOU were the fastest? take some initiative and READ the handles yourself. try to remember that im too busy working to hold your hand and walk you through the ordering process. common sense, baby!