Flaming Garbage Truck Crashes into House: Trash Ruined

I'd like to thank SoD reader RSW for giving me this scoop about a garbage truck that caught on fire and ran into his neighbor's house. Apparently my Columbia correspondent has been spending too much time at the bar to report this story. Anywho..

A Columbia resident (who I will refer to as Tom) of Laurel Hill Lane was surprised yesterday morning to find a garbage truck slam through his living room in a fiery blaze. As Tom walked through the ashes of his life, you could tell the tragic scene was taking its toll on him.

"Look at all this good trash.. it's all ruined" Tom cried, as he stepped over charred pictures of his children growing up.

"I mean, you have all this good trash that was all set to be buried somewhere... probably somewhere in Lexington.. and now it's all destroyed in one of God's jokes. Look at all these recyclables that were carelessly thrown away. The plastics have melted onto the aluminum cans.. how the hell do they expect me to separate these?!" said an unstable Tom. Nearby, children gathered to watch as burning soiled diapers and empty orange juice cartons ignited Tom's wedding videos.

I can only assume an interview with the garbage truck driver went like this..

Reporter: 'Tell us what went through your mind when you noticed your truck was on fire.'

Driver: 'Well, at first I was like.. oh shit, my trucks on fire! So I jumped out and hid in those bushes' said the driver, while pointing to a group of poorly trimmed azaleas. 'Yup, those bushes saved my life.'

Driver: 'When the truck didn't explode, I snuck back to it to try and save a tape of a Queen concert from 1977. You know.. the one where they rocked it out in Detroit. But that's when the truck started its fiery descent towards Tom's house. I can only assume that my Queen tape is melting somewhere in that smoldering pile of pizza boxes and [Tom's] original artwork.'

Reporter: 'Such a tragic story.. on a tragic day.'

Here's the actual news video:

Lt. Governor Andre Baeur's office had no comment on this issue, as my calls regarding fiery crashes were referred to as 'an ill-timed and sick joke.'