The Trifecta

As far back as I remember, I have never been able to make microwavable popcorn. Maybe our microwave isn't calibrated. Maybe it has to do with the atmospheric pressure in my hometown. I'm not sure. All I know is everytime I try to make popcorn I end up with either a bag full of kernels or a bag of ash. I went by my favorite video store last night and stocked up on a few new releases. When I returned home I decided to make some of this delicious, buttery popped corn. The instructions on the bag said to microwave on high for 4 minutes, but then I saw a button on the microwave labelled 'popcorn.' So I put the bag in the microwave and pressed this designated button and hit start.

Well the microwaved pre-set only nuked the bag for 2 minutes, but the bag said 4. What do I do now? Yield to the microwave and risk a bag of half-cooked popcorn? Or do I go all in? We all know the answer to this one.

So I popped it in for another two minutes and went off looking for my Homer Simpson slippers. I come back to a kitchen filled with smoke, the dog's barking, parents are yelling, the smoke detector is signaling Code Red, and my cinematric snack is burnt. Dammit to hell, guess I'll just have to eat that guacamole.



(fast forward 30 minutes)

Just as I'm about to finish off this green mayonaise-ish snack and become emotionally invested in this movie, my phone rings from an unknown number. Against my better judgement, I answered.

Chick: Hey hunny, I got a babysitter for the kids.. come out and meet me at the bar.

(a midnight prank call from a fan.. this should be fun)

Me: I would, but I'm finding neverland, as it were.
Chick: You never have time for me.
Me: Well, I am a big deal. Who are you?
Chick: You know who this is. Who are you?
Me: Who am I? WHO AM I? You must be out of your damn mind. When I'm in power I'll have your tongue cut out.
Chick: That's it, I want a divorce. I want the kids.
Me: Wait, I'm sure we've had our differences, but maybe we can work this out.
Chick: I want Chap too.
Me: You stay away from my dog, you monster!
Chick: What about this formal you're going to? I bought a raccoon skinned dress for it.
Me: Excellent, that should match my vest nicely. I hope you got that at a discount, along with your Southern accent.


Damn, there goes my marriage.

So I continue to watch my movie when the DVD freezes about an hour into it. I try to fix it, but nothing gives.

Burnt my popcorn. Getting a divorce. And now the DVD is broken. Good thing I'm not a rageholic anymore, or any one of these minor setbacks would have turned me into a madman. In fact, I haven't even had an ounce of ragehol in months. I feel fine. Everything is ok. I'll just pop in the other movie I rented, National Treasure.

I watched 30 minutes of it before setting my DVD player on fire.