The Night That Wouldn't End

So I attended an engagement party honoring a handful of recent fiances this past weekend. Apparently, I had previously volunteered to do the cooking. That was fine by me, I didn't mind cooking 6 lowcountry boils.. especially since I had a cooler within reach the entire time. There's nothing like watching water boil and drinking beer. While I'm thinking about it, let me share some Beaufort Stew truisms:

You can never use too much Old Bay.

You can never use too many onions.

And contrary to popular opinion, you can have too much shrimp.

After feeding scores of people, my sidekick and I ventured inside to meet two of our favorite party guests: Jack and Jose. Jose didn't stick around long. (12:00 PM) Jack left soon after. (12:30 PM) So we decided to leave and stop by a hotspot before last call. After I parked, a bum knocked on the window.

'Hey don't worry about your car. I'll make sure it won't get towed. Can I get a dollar?'

Knowing how that situation ends up, we gave him a dollar and 45 cents in pennies. After milking last call, we returned to this site: (2:15 AM)


It turned out the tow truck was jackin' the car parked behind me.. but in doing so he blocked me in. The towed-to-bes walked up around the same time. They were a bunch of pizza-laden kids in their midtwenties. They looked to be a wedding party. The groomsmen had their disheveled tuxedos and the bridesmaids were draped in the typical Cha-Cha-Slide-induced perspiration-soaked ugly dresses. As you can imagine, this formerly-picturesque gang went rabid upon finding their out-of-state SUV in shackles. They let out every obscenity in the book. Their knowledge of Constitutional Law was impressive. We watched this comedy unfold while sippin on some cold ones.



After they cooled down a bit, I tapped on the tow truck driver's window.

'Hey man.. I don't really care about the car your about to tow. But do you think you could move a little so I can get out of here?'

The tow truck driver responded by saying I should call a cop. Now there's a dilemma: On the one hand I wouldn't mind being able to leave so I could visit Sharifa at the Waffle House. On the other hand, I'd like to avoid as much interaction with the police as possible. That's when I smelled the buffalo-tangy goodness. I closed my eyes, stuck my nose in the air, and followed the trail.

'Who the freak are you,' asked the chicken-laden groomsmen.

'Chicken wing,' were the only words I could muster.

...and then the police arrived. That's when we decided to go grab a few slices of pepperoni and feta. When we returned, the drama had intensified. (3:00 AM)

A fifth party of formerly-towed women were now on the scene. They were screaming at the tops of their lungs.

'BUT WE GAVE THAT BUM $2!!!!!'

As it turned out, the police officer helped the wedding party and tow truck driver come out to a fair price that they all agreed upon. Unfortunately for everyone, the mediation session took so long that the tow truck's battery died in the meantime. That left the tow truck immobile, the wedding party in shackles, and most importantly- we were still blocked in.

Luckily, it only took 30 minutes for the tow truck driver's colleague to arrive and give him a jump.. and we all went on our happy way. (3:45 AM)